Living the Dream

"You're gonna blog about this tomorrow morning, I bet."



-----
The first thing I see when I walk into to the room is the pole. Red, lifted, inviting. I dance around the idea of jumping on that circular stage, wrapping my legs around the metal pole and doing a private dance. . . but this is a public place. And even though the security guard standing in the back of the room has already given me the thumbs up, I remain grounded. I stay in the audience with the rest of the spectators, sip on my beer and laugh at the life before me. I stopped believing in magic a long time ago, but with a Coke in his hand and a chuckle on his brow, my favorite Magic Trick restores my faith in human connection. These moments remind me that true relationships come from experiencing life. So we tap drinks and wait for the show to start.

"There's a lot of dudes here," he observes.

My eyes sweep the length of the bar and wander up the VIP stairs. Something purple catches my eye. Or was it something shiny? A beautiful ebony woman sitting alone at a table, wearing sunglasses indoors and bobbing her head steadily to the beat. She had no facial expression, but the rhythmic motion of her neck spoke volumes. I point out her beauty to my friend and he teases me, daring me to tell her she's beautiful.

"Or buy her a drink," he says. In an instant I understand what it's like to be a man looking at a woman. It takes a good amount of courage to approach a beautiful stranger. It takes self-confidence to be able to verbalize a thought to someone you barely even know but to whom you are undeniably attracted. It is definitely not so easy for you boys.

"Guys just gravitate toward you," he explains. "You don't even have to get up for someone to come and talk to you. Girl, you've got it easy."

I nod my head even though the situation only happens every once in a blue moon. It is easier for girls because it's not so often that we, as women, feel the need to actively search for a dance partner. All we need to do is get on the dancefloor and the prospects come in droves.

Fast forward half an hour later, San Quinn is on stage and I am sitting up against the wall swaying side to side. This is my first live contact with the artist, he introduces himself as a neighbor from the other side of the hill, "but I got love for Pacifica too." This is the place it all began.

Then San Quinn says the thing that I've been waiting the whole night to hear.

"All right, I know there are some beautiful ladies in the house tonight and I want to invite you all to come up here with me. We're going to have a little showdown. Whoever can break it down the best, I will buy you a drink."

After 5 live shows in the past 3 weeks, I finally got my chance. At first I was hesitant, shy at the idea of getting up on stage. I mean, I wasn't even wearing my dancing shoes! Not to mention the fact that I would be up on stage with women in hootchie freak-um dresses getting paid to shake their asses. I had to collect myself. Did I want to put myself out there like that? Am I that kind of girl to just "break it down" for a free drink? So I ran to my security guard to ask for guidance and without even a second thought, he takes my hand and leads me past the dancefloor and practically throws me onto the stage. I am the first one up. Looking out at the audience below me, I start to feel a rush that I hadn't felt since I was a child. The bright lights and buzz of an almost invisible crowd send electricity up and down my body. I kick off my shoes and throw them to the back of the stage. By this time, I am relieved to find a bevy of women surrounding me, I am no longer the only one.

I find the perfect escape in a white girl wearing a cast. Pointing to her disability, I yell into the crowd, "Homegirl's got a cast on! She should win!" Slowly, as San Quin begins the next song, I inch my way so that the girl with the cast is directly between me and the audience. I am still dancing, no doubt, but this way I feel I cannot be seen. Things are going swimmingly, swaying my hips and making use of my quiet swag, until out of nowhere San Quinn reaches for my hand and pulls me center stage. Fuck, I didn't even think he was looking. But there I am, eye to eye to the Mighty as he's in my face - eight bars dripping from his lips.

Then, here goes the hook followed by the verse and no longer am I worried about what people are thinking cause I got San Quinn at my feet.

"Let me see you just wind it up, wind it up, wind it up... Let it go!!

The way you're moving, cutie, you're cute too

All eyes on you, all men salute you

Rock it if it's positive,

Tonight you're looking confident

I wanna touch, I wanna clutch

Take it as a compliment.

You got that heat girl

You got that fire

You the life of the party girl

I can't deny it."

-Wind It Up, San Quinn

At the end of the song, I snap out of a trance. I revert back to the nerdy Asian girl who just came for the music and rush off stage. I never got my drink from San Quinn but the dance was enough. Holllllllerrr!!

San Quinn live @ the Octopus Lounge 08.29.08

he (the music)

Again, this would be better heard out loud.
----

he (the music)

<3el

He is the music

A song that I sang twenty years ago

When my mind was was undeveloped

And my world compressed into Barbie and Ken dolls,

Atari video games, and Cabbage patch kids.

I fashioned him, flesh and bone,

From the beat of my heart to the rhythm of my soul

He sang to me

He was a lyric, a note

A hook, chorus, verse

Reaching out through the needle of my father's old 45

Scratching the groove of wounded knees, broken skin,

And a young impressionable heart that had so much left to learn.

I cradled him against my stomach

Thrived from the heat of his song

And grew into my teenage years living in fantasies

In which he was the soundtrack and I was the player,

The medium through which he existed.

He is the music

A stunning acapella that I sang in my sleep

He flowed through me

Like steady water over the course of a million years

He carved into me

He held me

Through nights laying on my bedroom floor

Curled up in a twisted fetal position

Praying for release, praying for gain

Praying for something organic to alleviate the pain

And his tongue licked my wounds with words undeniable

Like a shaman he called forth spirits from the past with a sweet somber elegy,

Brought my lonely jagged soul to life with the power of a melody

He is the music

How quickly he changes form from a low soulful croon

Sang into the head of a microphone

To the pounding sound of a million Taiko drummers

Heart racin, sweat pourin so intense I can't ignore him

He is my blood

He is my Harmony

He is 16 straight bars of sexy baritone

Creating movement in the streets and a revolution lead by beats, rhymes, and life

He is my bullhorn.

Late at night he comes to me, a smooth operator, my midnight conductor

Causing the sun, stars, moon and sky to sway on his command

By the flick of his hand

He creates symphony

Pushing my thighs apart, he rapes the vocals from my throat

Urging me, begging me, demanding of me to release the falsetto

That I stifle, keep hidden, keep trapped in a cage

He rattles me.

He is the music

An absolution from the pulpit, a direct from God gospel

Tambourines banging on my palm

He saved me with his cadence of faith

And like any good martyr I allowed his requiem

To echo off of my existence so that he could be heard

By all those who knew me.

He is the music.

He is what moves me.

Warrior Update!

Right after I've finished processing Davis' departure and the arrival of Turiaf... I've got to deal with this >>>

MONTA ELLIS

With our lead scorer out of commission... who's Jackson going to depend on now? Goodbye, finals.

Fuck my life, man.

*Gush*

Gentlemen, if you can keep up with me to this song... I'll give you ANYTHING you want.

Busters need not apply.



Prince got the groooooove. =)

Morning Meetings

Every Wednesday morning I preside over a morning meeting. In an effort to bring social awareness to my clients, I decided to bring a "current events" portion into the meeting. Most of them were thrilled to have "something different" at morning meeting. I felt that reading news clips in the morning provided an opportunity for healthy discussions and a platform to share opinions. As a natural mediator I found it easy to quell any heated debate and to keep abrasive comments at a minimum. The only resistance I met was from a client who declared: "Everything in the news is so depressing. I don't want to start my day with something sad. I don't want to hear about people dying or the government failing. I vote that we don't have 'current events' in morning meeting."

For the past few weeks, I've tried my best to find the most uplifting and informational articles for morning meeting. An easy enough task, what with the 'inspirational' Olympics going on. But today, I'm dismayed. Today, the headlines read like obituaries, somber and violent. Here is sample of headlines out in the Bay Area today:

-"El Cerrito Take Over Robbery" Two men storm a Chinese restaurant in the most recent East Bay hold up.

-"Hammering Son Faces 5 years in Prison" Foster City man has pleaded no contest to elder abuse for hitting his father in the head with a hammer because he mistakenly thought the 81-year-old man had to be hospitalized before he could be admitted to a nursing home.

-"Fear grips immigrants after Mississippi immigration raid" Nearly 600 immigrants suspected of being in the country illegally were detained, creating panic among dozens of families in this small southern Mississippi town.

-"Bush seeks to reduce whale protection zones" The Bush administration proposed on Monday to scale back protected zones for endangered whales in the Atlantic Ocean, yielding to cargo companies' concerns about new speed limits for ships in these areas.

-"School lets teachers carry guns for security" Harrold, Texas. Along with normal first-day jitters and excitement, students in this tiny district started school Monday wondering which teachers might be toting firearms.


If you want to check out any of these articles, they are available at sfgate.com

Yes, I realize that the SF Chronicle isn't the best place to find good news, but it's the only place I've got this early in the morning.

Fuck it, we're going to play games today.

Arguing Both Sides

The class was divided perfectly down the middle: two rows of 14 students facing each other in competitive opposition. This was our first in-class debate. I had mentally prepared for it all day. I scrutinized the literature, built my vocabulary, and checked my personal agenda. When Sal asked the class to chose sides, I didn't even think twice. But, of course, true to academic form, the professor challenges his students in an attempt to expand their minds.

"For this debate, I want those of you who are for the decriminalization of drugs to argue against it and vice versa. I ask this because that the best way to argue an issue is to know the other side, that way you can find loopholes in the opposing arguements."

(Disclaimer: I use the term 'drugs' because our debate encompassed every category of illicit drugs with no specific one in mind. Personally, I believe in the decriminalization of only marijuana which, fortunately, is a reality in the City and County of San Francisco. As for heroin, cocaine, methamphetamines etc... I, in no way, shape or form, advocate their use.)

Shit. All of a sudden, my confidence level plummeted. I feared that because I didn't feel passionately enough about the opposing view I wouldn't be able to competently defend it. The entire class appeared to feel the same way, raising the question, "How can you expect us to argue for something that we don't believe in?" However, as the debate started, I began to see Sal's point. I was ready to argue the benefits that decriminalization would lead to - issues of increased tax revenue, decreased incarceration/crime rates, and stronger regulation policies to name a few. Now I had to take all that preparation and find a way to discredit the argument that I had built.

Pro: "The decriminalization of drugs would provide an opportunity for the government to tax drugs as goods. The extra revenue would help boost the economy and provide funding for other programs such as education. It would create a market for new employment opportunities."

Con: "The decriminalization of drugs would create a market of goods that would more than likely become privatized and handled by major corporations, as is the case with most prescription drugs. This would provide another venue for the wealthy 1% to create a larger gap between the upper and lower classes. Demand for drugs is high in the lower income bracket and decriminalization would allow for the exploitation of the lower class."

Pro: "The decriminalization of drugs would solve the issue of overcrowding in state prisons. With fewer people charged with possession, distribution, sale, etc. of drugs the inmate population would decrease dramatically. Many who are incarcerated on drug charges weren't even convicted of serious violent crimes anyway."

Con: "The decriminalization of drugs would decrease the need for an expansive corrections department, which is a billion dollary industry, especially in California. Thousands of people would lose their jobs which would have a tremendous effect on society. And what would the state do with the all of the prisoners? Release them back into society with an apology? Not only will the state see legal action, the Federal government could face thousands, if not millions, of lawsuits from angry ex-inmates and their families demanding restitution for infringement of their constitutional rights."

(The two following arguments have more to do with the legalization of drugs which is completely different from the decriminalization of drugs. The term decriminalization was used for debate's sake.)

Pro: "The decriminalization of drugs would allow the government to regulate drugs the same way food is regulated by the FDA. The government would be able to regulate to whom the drugs would be available(e.g., individuals over a certain age), drug potencies, and methods of distribution, etc."

Con: "The decriminalization of drugs would not eliminate a black market for drugs because drugs will always be denied to some sector of the population whether it be children under the age of 18 or to the low-income who may not be able to afford them. Furthermore, a new set of laws would have to be created. Law enforcement would be faced with dilemmas on who will be able to use drugs and when. For instance, would airline pilots or school bus drivers be able to use drugs?"

Needless to say, the debate wasn't as clean and clear cut as Sal had hoped it would turn out. Many of the students could not stick to one issue at a time and, although we agreed to not take the debate personal, some of us walked out of class with bruised egos. For myself, I have come to believe that any change in drug policy would have an adverse effect on society. If we took away issues of money and the right to individual autonomy (in this case, the right to be in control of our consciousness) Americans would still be left with the grim reality that drugs, legal or not, cause deterioration in ourselves, our communities, and our country as a whole.

It struck me how passionately I argued against decriminalization, considering how strongly I felt (or thought I felt) about it in the beginning of class. I began to see that my knowledge of the subject was not sufficient enough for me to stand completely firm in my initial opinions on the subject. That's what education is for - an opportunity to develop one's personal beliefs through gained knowledge.

On another note, throughout the debate my heartbeat raced. I love heated debate. It drives me.

A Water's Sign's Soundtrack

The entire beat was made with water.

San Francisco Love

Stephanie Douglas & April Funiestas

Music: Vienna Tang - "City Hall"

Post dedicated to Trina E. and my other favorite lesbian couple Maggie & Eleanor. You too can have a lesbian wedding one day! The song is about the day that San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom ordered the city clerk to issue same-sex marriages back in 2004.

Graphics // Technology

My brothers:

www.gavingpk.com

www.21maroons.com


---

I hate that I don't understand this technologic language. I feel so primitive.

Photograph of My Mother

San Felipe
Zambales, Philippines
April 2008

"In God We Trust" // OhDang.

The first thing I notice about people is their skin. In the club, on the street, while I'm waiting in line at the grocery store, my eyes are immediately drawn to any indication that a person has been inked.

I recently went to a Hopie show at FatCity where I had the pleasure of meeting a memorable character named Anthony. This kid was a trip. A motherfucking trip if I ever tripped in my life. I met him at the bar before the show. It was about 10:21pm and the show hadn't started so my girls and I were chillin in the back scoping out the scene, right? Out of nowhere here comes this guy, slurring and laughing, smelling like too much alcohol at too early in the evening. He introduces himself to me and taps my drink with his.


Two minutes later his friend George, who looks like freakin Doogie Howser, comes up next to him and introduces himself to my girls. At first we're like who are these guys? So we started making small talk and I notice that Anthony has a tattoo on his collarbone. Peeking out from under his shirt I see thin lines of script:

"In God We Trust"

Now, I believe that a tattoo says a lot about a person. The fact that he had it on his collarbone, a place where he (and the rest of the world) could see it on daily basis showed some signs of confidence. It showed that he wanted to make a statement.

"I believe in God," he says when I ask about it. "I'm Catholic but I don't practice anymore. I just know that there's a God and I trust him."

For myself, those four words conjure up a different image: money. All of a sudden I project onto Anthony my own personal issues surrounding finance and business. My stance and voice become aggressive, but not threatening. I am judging him by my own experience with money.

"Cash rules everything around me," I say as he nods his head.

"Me too. Don't you know I'm gangsta?" Anthony replies, popping his collar. Shellie and I immediately look at each other and laugh.

"Dude, you're wearing a sideways hat."

At this point, bundles of people have filtered into the room creating a conversation buzz. This causes my new friend to step closer to me so that I can hear him. I've never liked the smell of alcohol and sweat so I politely put my hand on his shoulder and push him a step back. I have lost interest in him.

Flash forward about 45 minutes later. Anthony is sitting center stage as Bambu is introduced. He's hella drunk and making out with this white lady who didn't look like she was enjoying it too much. It was really funny cause then her two friends had to come and save her, like, WTF?! What are you doing with this guy?! But Anthony don't care, so he gets up on the stage! And this isn't the only time this cat gets on there. When Jacka came out, Anthony was up there sticking out like a sore thumb. Bobbin' and swayin' with MobFigaz like he was one. Little Filipino guy and Doogie Howser wearing a Lacoste golf shirt smoking a blunt up on stage with Jacka. The funny thing is no one on stage did or said anything. The party just went on and Anthony had the freakin time of his life.

Now he can run back to Concord and tell all his friends how cool he is. I love it.

---

"Conscious is self-conscious. I like being in places where I don't have to worry about the clothes I'm wearing or if my drink makes me look cool. I could just be chill, be myself."

-Arjay, when asked what the "conscious" in "conscious hip hop" meant to him. Thanks for the drink, baby.

Pisces Horoscope

"You may doubt your self-worth today and could be questioning how valuable or important you are to your work or the people in your life. Perhaps you feel ignored or underappreciated by someone in your work or personal life. If so, your emotions may compel you to spend money in an effort to make yourself feel better today. If this is the case, be aware that the act of spending money to medicate your emotions can only make you feel worse in the long run. You’re better off looking to yourself for affirmation and validation."
-DailyOm

My Ate...

... is a cute little nerd with too much time on her hands.

Domesticated (Or Things I Learned from My Mother)

-Clean. Not in the Susie Homemaker, got a petty coat on, and a feather duster. I'm talking yellow rubber gloves, blue Brite! sponge and some Clorox wipes. Keeping a home clean, organized, and smelling a little like bleach is HEALTHY thing. It takes daily maintenance. If you don't sweep the floor or vacuum for two weeks, your carpet and/or floor will be layered with two weeks of dust, hair, and dry skin. Let's keep it fresh, ladies.

-Make your bed a place for sleeping. And maybe a little bit of TV. Sex, if applicable. This means change your sheets at least 3 times a months and have everything organized (see above). The mind tends to shape itself around what it sees. If your dirty laundry is laying all over the place and you got more than one item (that is not a pillow) on your bed, your mind will feel as cluttered as your room is. Don't throw your backpack and school supplies on your bed. Move your computer away from your bed and sit on a stability ball at your kitchen table. That way, when you finally hop into bed your body immediately thinks of sleep. And maybe a little bit of TV. Sex, if applicable.

-Know how to make at least one dish for each meal of the day. My mother knows how to make more than 3 meals, of course. It's a different story when you're 24 years old and you only have to take care of yourself. The same 3 meals everyday is cool as long as you got something else to snack on. Worry about cooking other meals when you have a husband and children. If you have roommates, it's cool. They each know how to cook at least 3 meals and will hopefully share their yummy snacks!

-You don't have to spend $$ on a nice wardrobe. My mother pays $15 for a pair of jeans that makes her legs look BANGIN! She'll window shop at the local Macy's for some ideas then head to Ross or the BX on base and buy a knockoff for half the price. Frugality in fashion=not a bad idea, ladies. Myself, I can only shop at the Buffalo Exchange on 23rd & Mission. Yes, that specific one. I don't know why. Instead of heading to a mall to get fitted, I like to go for used clothing that once looked good on somebody else and will now look BANGIN on me. =) Plus, once I learn how to do my laundry and actually take care of said clothes, I can bring them in and possibly sell them for a little extra cash or a 30% discount.

-Know how to do your laundry. If you spend $$ on clothes, please know how to take care of them. Get back at me on this one. I'm still learning (see above).

-Rest. Modern women have too many things to do to survive- resting should definitely be one of them. After your work is done, sit on a recliner with a soft throw blanket, watch Wowowee all afternoon, and fall asleep. When you wake up you'll have a clean house, a full stomach and an impeccable wardrobe.

Holler at Mama who turns 50 this Sunday!

Sal Nunez

Through 3 hours and a cutie for a professor... all I heard was:

"The word is powerful. It activates the mind. It makes changes."

Damn, everybody wants me on their team.

Rock the Bells 2008

8 hours of bass heavy medleys. Shiiit.



Highlights:



*Rolling up in the parking lot, 8 heads deep and the first thing I hear after the parking break cracks: "Who wants some medicine?"



*Jay Electronica carrying a staff around the theater promoting "real hip hop" in the early morning to "real hip hop heads."




*Two hours in and I turn to my girl Drea, she's wringing her hands and looking HELLA confused, "I think those brownies had a little too much magic in them."



*Climbing solo to the top of the lawn and soaking in the last of the Summer sun while I could.



*Getting DENIED at the VIP bar. This was the funniest thing I didn't realize I was trying to do.

"You're trying to get into the VIP," the boy says to me.

"I'm just trying to party," I reply, shrugging my shoulders.

*DJ GI Joe looking absolutely chewable while working real turntables ie. NOT a computer screen.



*Method Man and Redman playing the best set of the night. For some reason, everyone had left to go to the bathroom and I had the whole row to dance my ass off. Redman got that swaaaag that I like!



*Mos Def, incognito. But he didn't slow it down long enough to toss my lace underwear on the stage.....



*A TRIBE CALLED QUEST doing a freestyle acapella that segued into Bonita Applebaum.



Honesty? This shit tired me out. We were so close to the speakers and got lost in so many clouds that walking out of the amphitheater was like waking up from a long dream. I woke up this morning and couldn't remember how the hell I got into bed. My body aches in places that have never ached... and I've got this stuck in my head...

Connected!

Holler at my Ate for being so Comcastic and hooking me up with some internet! I <3 you, Rhoda. It took me 3 hours and 2 service calls to figure out why my Comcast wasn't working. The cable wasn't connected to the modem. Duh. This is how out of touch I've become with technology after not having a computer for over a year. I forgot what a modem was and what it did. Seriously.

It probably didn't help that I was also smoking a blunt and my thought process was, well, blunted.

I signed onto AIM (for the first time in a year) and someone actually welcomed me back to the "Real World." The world where two people can form and maintain relationships without ever hearing each other's voice. Gotta love AIM. I have about two people on there. So, if you're reading this and you're a little bored, please feel free to start a late night conversation.

Screen Name: eLLeFuNie

Lyric of the Day

"Self expression makes it healthy for self."

-De La Soul, "I Can't Call It"

Withdrawals and Impulses

I'm having Internet withdrawals.

$700 (spent impulsively) on a crap computer. $5/day for the wrong kind of router. $51/month for internet.

AND I'M STILL NOT CONNECTED.

I can feel my anxiety crawling up the skin on my arm, but I can't scratch it away. I want to download music. I want to read new stories. I want to browse Craigslist for a new ktichen table. I want an unneccessary onslaught of information that may or may not be reliable. I want to judge that information.

And, I'm not gonna lie .... I want my internet porn back!

Patience. Patience.

Anyway, I'm returning the stupid Compaq and getting a MAC. Fuck it.
----

Currently preparing for Rock the Bells. Final celebration of the Summer! Yayers.

Examples of Cultural Incompetency

The Spanish Basketball team making "chank eyes." I'm sure they thought it was cute.

A Change of Venue

Riding on the coattails of Ms. Trina E., I have changed my venue. How could I not?

But before we begin the next chapter, please, see where I just came from>>>

NIESTAS.