I thought I had only imagined seeing your face last night. That moment could have been a dream - my heart beat echoing in time with the technotranceravehouse music in the air, neon lights flashing red blue green and yellow. It could have been a dream. You reached around my waist, like you did once before, and by that simple connection - the skin of your fingers and the skin on my stomach - I knew I wasn't dreaming. You are real. You exist.
With a slow burning cigarette balanced in between your fingers, you take off your hat, like the true gentleman that you are, and I am reminded of everything you once told me. You wanted to be mine. My mace, my lover, my best friend. And then in the midst of trying to remain strong independant and unbroken I let you slip out of my life and into the arms of another woman. I let you go because I was afraid to hold on to you.
Seeing you with someone else was not the tragedy I expected. It made me happy to see you happy. It was what I wanted for you all along.
And so you keep coming back to me, dear boy, in times and ways that I never expect. The reality of our relationship is this: I cannot hold you down as you cannot hold me down. I cannot promise you what you cannot promise me. Right now, we can only give each other the peace of mind that comes in knowing that the other exists. I believe our time will come. For now, I am satisfied for another opportunity to press my lips against you and let you know I am doing well.
Until we meet again...
Signed,
Lauren
----
"Let me surround you
A sea to your shore
Let me be the calm you seek
Oh, and everytime I'm close to you
There's too much I can't say
And you just walk away
And I forgot to tell you I love you
And the night's too long
And cold here without you
I grieve in my condition
For I cannot find the words to say
I need you so."
-I Love You
Sarah McLachlan
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