The First Day of the Rest of Your Life

It's funny when I think about what life was like for me 3 years ago... This isn't a long time ago, but who and where I am now is so far removed from who and where I was then that it feels like I've been reborn. Me at 21- taking Jack Daniels shot after shot and getting kicked out of clubs for throwing up in the bathroom. I thought I was the shit, barking orders at people who loved me because I was mad with control. At 21, I thought I knew about love. I'd experienced the romance of all romance and had boyfriends lie to and berate me. And, at 21, I thought that love equated to sex, love, money and drugs. If I were the same person that I was at 21 years old, I would be married to a Romanian man old enough to be my uncle and living in a one bedroom apartment in Eastern Europe with two children and no recollection of the English language or my Filipino roots.

But I regress into the past when I should focus on the present and dream about the future. That was three years ago and, as my Magic Trick pointed out, I have come full circle. I still have a lot of development left, don't get me wrong, but the progress has been significant. My co-dependancy issues have been stifled and reborn as an unwillingess to surrender my independance. This has lead to me to push people away, allowing space and time to create long gaps in my relationships. My defense is inpenetrable even though I have come across men (or rather boys) who come so close to meeting my standards. This is the answer to those who have asked me, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" Because I am deathly afraid of what a boyfriend might do to me and because I have impossibly high standards.

In terms of love and romance, I am now willing to put down my guard for a moment. I am stepping out of my box little by little to allow another person in. Fuck it, I may not be a cupcaker, but I cannot deny the excessive lover in me. She's waiting to be unleashed.

Last Friday, my family at Walden House blessed me with a heartfelt send-off on my last day of work. Its true that one will never see the fruits of his/her labor until the very end. My coworkers and clients let me know that I changed their lives, even if only a little bit, even if only with a smile. It was a heartbreak like I had never known before. By the end of the meeting, I found myself in tears and I realized that even though I'm not meant to work at Walden House, I am meant to be there.

My career has taken a step forward and I anticipate a host of new personalities in my life, whether it be elders in long black robes sitting in judge's chambers or young women on the street who find themselves victims of circumstance. I aim to network and promote myself, to flirt with everyone in order to move ahead, and, most importantly, I will never forget where I have come from.

So tonight I fall asleep looking forward to starting the first day of the rest of my life. Game face, on.